Two and a Half Rocks

It's all fun and games until there's a dead hooker found in the trailer.

I remember when I was a little girl watching the movie “Hot Shots,” and the immediate connection I felt to a certain character named Topper. His big muscle-y arms, slapstick humor, brown hair, and baby-face. Little did I know that I was in love with a crazy, womanizing, abusive douche-bag (and the trend carries on). The man I am talking about boys and girls, is Charlie Sheen.

So everyone has been talking about the man filled with Tiger’s blood, the embodiment of Adonis. And everyone keeps asking the same question: why would a man with millions of dollars, beautiful baby mamas and children, the world at his feet — why would he throw it all away for hookers and drugs?

And my answer to all of you people is: why not? Just because you have money does not guarantee you will be better immune to these kinds of things. In fact, having money guarantees that you have more access to them. And let’s face it — this guy has been doing this shit for years. Heidi Klum anyone? It was only a matter of time before he would actually start to not give a fuck.

So I wanted to find a few quotes from some of his interviews. It is no wonder why this guy’s publicist quit. Also, I feel really ashamed by thinking he’s hilarious. This asshole smokes during the entire interview! Anyway, here is my sociological interpretation of a creature known only as the “Sheen.”

“I woke up and decided, you know, I’ve been kicked around. I’ve been criticized. I’ve been like the, ‘Ah, shucks’ guy with like this bitchin’ rockstar life. And I’m just finally going to completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred.”

See what I mean about the “not give a fuck” kicking in? Actually, I’m going to stop calling it “not give a fuck” and start calling it by its real name: CRACK. As we have all seen, the Sheen lives a life all of us are envious to have. He is a rock-star that likes to make violent love to metaphors. Metaphors he will also kill for.

“I was banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear. Go.”

Ha! Like my post title now??

In order to sustain itself, the Sheen must seek out nourishment. He does this by utilizing a tool know as the “cell phone” and connects with pimps/prostitutes/Lindsay Lohan in order to find his next fix. If desperate, the Sheen might even consider a drive through West Hollywood at 3 am.

He also explains why he turned to alcohol and drugs in the first place:

“I did that because they work … change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”

Typical reasoning for why someone would do drugs. And I’m pretty sure in his younger days he had the same excuses. But let’s be serious and also consider that this guy is probably dealing with a mid-life crisis. If you were lucky and didn’t have to see your father deal with one by buying diamond-studded earrings, here are a couple of signs:

Impulsive behavior and impetuous decisions, especially about money and/or their career. … Faced with the sudden interest to live their life to the fullest, a man may decide that a new Porsche makes perfect sense (despite it being well outside of the family’s finances and a decision he would have not likely made before the change in his behavior). He may decide that he absolutely must leave the job he was quite satisfied with just a few months before. Everyone changes in life but during a midlife crisis these changes can be extreme and seemingly come out of nowhere.

Questioning everything in one’s life and saying that they “feel trapped.” The later is easy to pick up with the terminology they’ll use in everyday life, including “obligations,” “no end in sight,” “burdened.” They feel that their job, family and everything else in their life is a never-ending series of demands on them.

However, the delusions of grandeur and invincibility — I’ll attribute that to the crack and whatever the hell else the Sheen does. Seriously, who is his dealer?

Honestly, I really wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with this post. A friend of mine wanted me to rant about how big of an asshole he is, but I wanted to try and understand him first. First off, I think people obsess waaaay too much with celebrity substance abuse. Maybe it warms our heart a little that someone who has everything has it worse than we do. I just see it as an example of how it doesn’t matter how much money you have, it can never make you happy. Especially if you’re fighting your spouse in a coke-fueled rage, locking hookers in pantries, and nearly killing yourself after an all night bender.

I really don’t feel sorry for the guy either. Millions of Americans suffer from substance abuse everyday, but everyone wants to do something about Charlie Sheen’s addiction so that “Two and a Half Men” will go back on air. Don’t get me wrong, I really do feel sorry for the staff and that they’re out of a job at the moment. But that show SUCKS. It is NOT funny and never will be. Shit — I would need to do a hit of crack just to sit through fifteen minutes of it! Good riddance. Hey CBS, you want Charlie to get some help? Stop enabling him by allowing him to be a functioning addict so that you can still make money off of him *cough* i.e. Britney Spears *cough.* And on that note, I leave you with this:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Facebook status-worthy!



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