Why Your Daughter Should Not Watch Television

Little girls are officially screwed. They have absolutely no role models. Even their own mothers (I’m looking at you Shauna Sand) nowadays aren’t fit to be role models. Why pop culture — why do you have to sexualize girls at a younger and younger age???

Exhibit A: Heidi Montag.

Net worth: $7.5 million

Don’t tell me she’s not some sort of role model. The average age demographic of “The Hills” is 12-34 with over 2.7 million viewers. And at the same time is promoting plastic surgery WHEN THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Why can’t they just legally make plastic surgery something you should only have when you NEED it? 10 procedures in one day?? And she doesn’t want to stop there. She wants size “H” breast implants — so that the “H” can stand for “Heidi.” She’s definitely supposedly only doing this for media attention so that she and that psychopath can stay in the tabloids. Unfortunately for her, the plastic surgery stint for her in the US is over. She cannot have anymore procedures done here, but that won’t stop her from going to Spain to get more procedures done. But noooo, she doesn’t have a problem! *Big Roll Eyes*

Exhibit B: Kat Stacks

Net worth: The amount of fake money you see in the pic below.

Don't you just get a "taken at the swap meet studio" vibe?

Possibly the dumbest female on the planet. (If you don’t know who she is, just think of her as Superhead 2.0 except more busted and less paid. ) This chick brags about all of the rappers she’s had sex with, with and without protection. She has a website that broadcasts the supposed dirty laundry of all these said rappers. She cries about how she’s been used up, left in the middle of downtown, and kicked out of studios, etc. Oh, and she loves to talk about the time Lil Wayne paid $1,200 to bang her. Pennies to Wayne. Why can’t she just go away?

Exhibit C: Lindsay Lohan

Net worth: $7 million

Money spent: $6,999,999

This old pic? Yeah, she's done this before.

Talk about having the world in the palm of your hand in 2004 and being $600,000 in credit card debt in 2010. What really sucks about her is that she could easily dust her nose off, go to rehab, stay out of the public eye for a minute, make one good movie, and be right back on track. Now we have this chick blaming everyone else for why her SCRAM bracelet went off — at an after party for the MTV Movie Awards. I really can’t feel sorry for this girl. Next.

Exhibit D: Miley Cyrus

Net worth: $40 million

You there Chris Hanson??

She’s falling into the pattern of pop stars before her. Innocent little Disney girl gets older and wants to be edgy. Becomes edgy by being sluttier. Sells a lot of albums because of that then suddenly has a mental breakdown or gets knocked up. Or maybe a sex tape will magically fall out of the sky and she’ll “sue” to have it banned. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Exhibit E: Kim Kardashian

Net worth: $5 million

Nothing is what nothing does. In case you’re wondering how she got famous: She was PEED ON in a sex tape. Yes, Ray J PEED ON KIM KARDASHIAN in a SEX TAPE. It’s surprises me how many people don’t know this. She also used to be bff with Paris Hilton until she decided she wanted a taste of the spotlight all to herself. So with the right connections and the right “tape disappearance” she took what made Paris famous and made it her own. So now she has her own shoe line, tons of endorsements, a television show, perfume, and was invited to the White House Correspondents dinner. Oh America, what a country.


Exhibit F: Snooki

Net worth: $300,000

Yeah we get it. It's like a penis.

She’s not offensive to Italians; she’s offensive to the human race. Her talents are: sucking giant dill pickles in front of boys, doing cart-wheels and flips in her dress with a thong underneath in front of boys, sucking face with random juice-heads, getting punched in the face by random juice-heads, WEARING ED HARDY, and just all around having no respect for herself (especially her Oompa-Loompa skin). You know, it really isn’t fair for me to only point her out when we all know the entire show is a parasite to the human race.

And as long as all these women are, they’ll continue to make money — with many more girls wanting to be just like them.

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