1) Being gay is not natural
And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.
In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next. I love lamp.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all;
Hence why women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed
And we can’t let the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.
So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our population isn’t out of control, our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children.
Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.
In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
(Did you know that Jesus never once condemned homosexuality?)
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.
Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.
Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.