I was hoping to wake up and the election be over…but it’s only October 24th which means I (and all of you) must suffer eleven more days of political torture. Anyway, here are some updates from newsland. Let’s start with the bad.
The Dow is Seriously Sucking this Morning
‘”Art Cashen, director of NYSE floor operations for UBS, took a big-picture view: “What happens over the next dive to eight days will be spoken about for generations.”‘
Traders are nervous. The kind of nervous you feel when you’re about to shit your pants. Stock futures tumbled heavily on Friday, causing panic throughout the markets. Stock futures measure the current index value of future performances. What has happened is that it has fell so low that traders can’t sell — but they can buy. Fear of a recession is global and imminent, even though it’s pretty clear that we’re all screwed. It’s gonna be hell this morning because these people are going to try to sell everything they can…
High school kids Get the HIV
Look out high school musical! There’s a new trend floating around Normandy High School in Normandy, Missouri — AIDS! Ok, I can’t really be funny about this topic, considering they are dumb teenagers. There are as many as fifty kids that have contracted the virus thus far. With word spreading just as fast, many students have become alienated in the district. School officials are confused to how the virus has spread, (why our country ranks last in education I wonder why) but it more than likely has to do with…I dunno…sharing NEEDLES, having INTERCOURSE without PROTECTION…I think you all know where I’m going with this. The school will be conducting HIV tests on all the students — and some have the choice to decline. Yeah, that’s great. You know whose fault it is? That one dumb slut latch-key kid that slept with all the football players. And that bitch has the right to decline and maybe switch schools. Or maybe it’s some jerk-off that doesn’t believe in condoms. I say, test all these bastards! These kids may be missing out on the treatment they need to survive past college!
German Cannibal Loses Court Appeal
I couldn’t make that up. Not only is this guy a cannibal…he’s German to boot. WTF is in the water over there? Anyway, Armin Meiwes was found guilty in 2004 and retried in 2006 for killing and eating an acquaintance. The Federal Constitutional Court finds no reason to retry his case, a case that has appalled and “fascinated” German citizens (couldn’t make that up either). Oh, and it gets better:
‘”Meiwes had argued that the death in 2001 of Bernd Juergen Brandes should be classified as a mercy killing and maintained that his sentence was disproportionate.
Meiwes has said that Brandes answered his Internet posting seeking a young man for “slaughter and consumption.
He said Brandes wanted to be stabbed to death after drinking a bottle of cold medicine to lose consciousness. Meiwes captured the killing on video.”‘
Meiwes was convicted for manslaughter and sentenced to a whopping 8.5 years in prison. WTF. The court is also considering a retrial for sexual motive as well. Double WTF. I have nothing else to say about this post…
Yeah, so I thought I’d start with the negative and end on a positive note. Well, deep down I was laughing about the cannibal thing….so on a lighter note: