A Message to White People from Chris Rock


Paycheck to Paycheck

Barefoot wine — It’s the destination, not the taste.

My life is not glamorous. I don’t live in a city filled with skyscrapers, I live paycheck to paycheck, and I live in an apartment where my room faces a nightclub parking lot. I live in Jacksonville, Florida which is like Miami if it were entirely redneck with fewer clubs and mandatory last calls at 1:30 am.  Driving through Northeast Florida makes my uterus cringe every time I pass a billboard with an angelic fetus begging for its life. But I digress…

So I work full time for an insurance company (which of course is an entirely corporate job that has nothing to do with my degree). Everyday is mind-numbingly the same, and I spend most of my weekends highly intoxicated to forget how horrible my life seems to be going. I’ve considered going back to school several times, but I always reach the same conclusion: school is expensive, I was an average student, and I will probably graduate with more debt and will still be average. Not that being average is bad — oh no. It’s just that with my generation, we were constantly coddled and told by our parents that we were special and meant to do great things. Watching them wake up at 4 am to go to work seemed insane to me. I was never going to have to deal with a dead-end job. I was going to work for the United Nations and become an Ambassador. Funny how things turn out.

Then again, I did leave home for college at the age of 17 with absolutely no clue about what I was going there for. I dabbled in Art History, an area that guarantees joblessness unless you have connections. Then I decided to go with International Studies after having watched a movie about Che Guevara. Because come on, we all have our Marxist phase in college and then we think we can save the world with our newfound intelligence.

Still, I had no idea what to do when I graduated and I still have no idea. I was working full time in school with two jobs, so focusing what a little bit difficult. So now here I am with only one job, bonus checks, and a nifty cubicle. I really shouldn’t complain. There are so many 20 somethings out there in a much more dire situation than myself (which sometimes includes baby humans). Then again, how many 20 somethings are clamoring for a job in the fantabulous city of Jacksonville? I don’t have a hell of a lot of competition to face and that’s a good thing.

I have no idea what life has in store for me and maybe not knowing is the thing that bothers me the most. I no longer have a plan like I did when I was younger. I knew school was the next step, but what now? Is this really the rest of my life — sitting in a cubicle being micro-managed to death, looking out of the window wishing that I could enjoy the glow of the sun?

Yes. I am a wage slave. And you probably are too. Reality sucks, doesn’t it?

So to conclude this short biography of my depressing lack of direction I’m facing — I don’t come from money, I am in my late 20s, my students loans are 29K+, I eat vegetarian not because it’s a good thing, but that I always have for buy 1 get 1 free chicken sales at Winn Dixie, and I always have to drink before I go out to save money.

So fuck Lena Dunham — I am the voice of my generation. The generation of nowhere.

Wow. So it’s been a while. Hello internet world, how have you been?

Me? Same old stuff. Except with a corporate job comes the inevitable “putting things on the back-burner” attitude.

For a while I became depressed from my posts. Not in a clinically diagnosed way, but I was irritated with everything I was reading in the news — especially about politics.

So here are. The 2012 presidential elections are right around the corner, and here are a few issues that make my want to scratch out my eyes:


Birth control/abortion


*If you do not have a vagina, shut up. Also, birth control? Come on. Punish someone for being responsible? And with welfare being a huge issue considering many of the recipients are single mothers, I consider the above two things to be more of a positive thing for society. But then again, there goes my tiny female brain rambling off…


Binders of women

Honey Boo Boo child is and her family are famous for something that I am unsure of.

** All I know, is that her mother makes a spaghetti dish and the sauce is compiled of a gallon of ketchup and a stick of butter. They call it sketti sauce.








They call it sketti sauce.

Shame on you America.


People still can’t differentiate between socialism, communism, and Marxism! If Obama should focus on one thing after re-election, it should definitely be the schools. 


Foxconn exploits workers. Yes, that iPhone you hold near and dear was made by a teenager who works in very harsh working conditions in Zhengzhou, China. But hey, as long as you continue to stand in line in front of the Mac store for 12 hours, the world’s just going to keep on spinning.








BILL CLINTON ROCKED THE DNC (opinions may vary – not mine, but others)


Sheezus people. Why? Because I listened to this, does this mean I’m going to die in 7 days? A minute of my life I’ll never get back. If you are a doctor and need to assist your patient with inducing a seizure, please feel free to play the video below:


One commenter wrote:

I’m sorry but the people that says this song is awful if because they don’t want kim kardashian become a pop diva this song is really good amazing and is already #1 on iTunes so shut your fucking mouth let Kim shine more into the spotlight bitches!

Yes, we are all jelliz h8rs!! Someone please do me favor and harass this person with music by Esperanza Spalding. I’m sure it will make their brain melt. The way she sings reminds me of her performance in her sex tape: boring, useless, and confusing. I’d rather watch semen dry on a sock.


Smoking Pot Makes You Crazy

Every morning before I go to work I listen to a little radio show called the “MJ Morning Show.” MJ — the host and main DJ — is this right-wing square that loves to put in his two cents about politics and how awesome he is having never smoked any drugs. So this morning he brings up a story from the news about “Marijuana Psychosis.” I have heard about this before from those weird Marijuana addiction websites, but now there’s a full-fledged study about the risk of heavy smoking.

Researchers studied over 1,900 subjects in a period of over ten years. What they found was that Marijuana increases the risk of psychosis, but the study does not address whether or not it is a direct cause.  However, “even when other factors such as socio-economic status, use of different drugs and other psychiatric conditions were taken into account.” (BBC)

But does this have to do with the type of Marijuana being smoked? Some feel that the MJ from back in the day was less potent compared to the stuff being grown and smoked today. Sir Robin Murray of the Institute of Psychiatry “said the study added “a further brick (ha!) to the wall of evidence” showing that use of traditional cannabis is a contributory cause of psychoses like schizophrenia.” (BBC)

So I guess all of these subjects had no pre-existing conditions that could have lead to this? One minute they’re saying there are increased risks from Cannabis usage, the next they’re saying it contributes to mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. I would think if you are at risk of schizophrenia, smoking skunk and becoming paranoid will definitely contribute to a psychotic breakdown. Some of us need to smoke to keep from having them.

But then again, this is a tale as old as time. Nothing in excess (caffeine, alcohol, soda, carrots) is good for you.

Greatest Thing Ever Written

The document you are about to read will go down in history as the greatest thing ever written. A hundred years from now, our human ancestors will revel in its gloriousness, and it will be encased in greatness for future generations to read. I present to you, the greatest prank on Cash 4 Gold EVER:

Two and a Half Rocks

It's all fun and games until there's a dead hooker found in the trailer.

I remember when I was a little girl watching the movie “Hot Shots,” and the immediate connection I felt to a certain character named Topper. His big muscle-y arms, slapstick humor, brown hair, and baby-face. Little did I know that I was in love with a crazy, womanizing, abusive douche-bag (and the trend carries on). The man I am talking about boys and girls, is Charlie Sheen.

So everyone has been talking about the man filled with Tiger’s blood, the embodiment of Adonis. And everyone keeps asking the same question: why would a man with millions of dollars, beautiful baby mamas and children, the world at his feet — why would he throw it all away for hookers and drugs?

And my answer to all of you people is: why not? Just because you have money does not guarantee you will be better immune to these kinds of things. In fact, having money guarantees that you have more access to them. And let’s face it — this guy has been doing this shit for years. Heidi Klum anyone? It was only a matter of time before he would actually start to not give a fuck.

So I wanted to find a few quotes from some of his interviews. It is no wonder why this guy’s publicist quit. Also, I feel really ashamed by thinking he’s hilarious. This asshole smokes during the entire interview! Anyway, here is my sociological interpretation of a creature known only as the “Sheen.”

“I woke up and decided, you know, I’ve been kicked around. I’ve been criticized. I’ve been like the, ‘Ah, shucks’ guy with like this bitchin’ rockstar life. And I’m just finally going to completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred.”

See what I mean about the “not give a fuck” kicking in? Actually, I’m going to stop calling it “not give a fuck” and start calling it by its real name: CRACK. As we have all seen, the Sheen lives a life all of us are envious to have. He is a rock-star that likes to make violent love to metaphors. Metaphors he will also kill for.

“I was banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear. Go.”

Ha! Like my post title now??

In order to sustain itself, the Sheen must seek out nourishment. He does this by utilizing a tool know as the “cell phone” and connects with pimps/prostitutes/Lindsay Lohan in order to find his next fix. If desperate, the Sheen might even consider a drive through West Hollywood at 3 am.

He also explains why he turned to alcohol and drugs in the first place:

“I did that because they work … change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”

Typical reasoning for why someone would do drugs. And I’m pretty sure in his younger days he had the same excuses. But let’s be serious and also consider that this guy is probably dealing with a mid-life crisis. If you were lucky and didn’t have to see your father deal with one by buying diamond-studded earrings, here are a couple of signs:

Impulsive behavior and impetuous decisions, especially about money and/or their career. … Faced with the sudden interest to live their life to the fullest, a man may decide that a new Porsche makes perfect sense (despite it being well outside of the family’s finances and a decision he would have not likely made before the change in his behavior). He may decide that he absolutely must leave the job he was quite satisfied with just a few months before. Everyone changes in life but during a midlife crisis these changes can be extreme and seemingly come out of nowhere.

Questioning everything in one’s life and saying that they “feel trapped.” The later is easy to pick up with the terminology they’ll use in everyday life, including “obligations,” “no end in sight,” “burdened.” They feel that their job, family and everything else in their life is a never-ending series of demands on them.

However, the delusions of grandeur and invincibility — I’ll attribute that to the crack and whatever the hell else the Sheen does. Seriously, who is his dealer?

Honestly, I really wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with this post. A friend of mine wanted me to rant about how big of an asshole he is, but I wanted to try and understand him first. First off, I think people obsess waaaay too much with celebrity substance abuse. Maybe it warms our heart a little that someone who has everything has it worse than we do. I just see it as an example of how it doesn’t matter how much money you have, it can never make you happy. Especially if you’re fighting your spouse in a coke-fueled rage, locking hookers in pantries, and nearly killing yourself after an all night bender.

I really don’t feel sorry for the guy either. Millions of Americans suffer from substance abuse everyday, but everyone wants to do something about Charlie Sheen’s addiction so that “Two and a Half Men” will go back on air. Don’t get me wrong, I really do feel sorry for the staff and that they’re out of a job at the moment. But that show SUCKS. It is NOT funny and never will be. Shit — I would need to do a hit of crack just to sit through fifteen minutes of it! Good riddance. Hey CBS, you want Charlie to get some help? Stop enabling him by allowing him to be a functioning addict so that you can still make money off of him *cough* i.e. Britney Spears *cough.* And on that note, I leave you with this:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Facebook status-worthy!